Q.What do I do when I try to communicate with my husband but he gets angry? I try to share in a loving way with him something that has hurt me or something that is hard for me....but he gets so upset and takes it personally, no matter how lovingly I try to share these truths. So...I don't share and I keep it in and then just feel resentment building. This really affects my ability to have intimacy with him. I feel misunderstood and shut off and a lack of love.
A.It is crucial that a husband and wife have open and honest communication for a fulfilling and intimate relationship. It can be very frustrating and lonely when you feel misunderstood, so it’s important to be aware of what has taken place in your relationship when trying to discuss sensitive issues. For example, if your husband does not feel that you respect him, everything you try to communicate might be filtered through the fact that he feels disrespected by you. So when you bring up the thing that has hurt you or that has offended you, he may see it as just another thing in the long list where he does not measure up and feels hopeless and frustrated. This does not justify any outburst of wrath he may exhibit, but may give you some insight to the context of why he is taking it so personally.
I would first encourage you to take these hurts and offences to the Lord and receive grace to absorb them, and ask Him for insight and discernment in communicating to your husband. It may be important to educate yourself on what it really means to respect your husband and how he receives or feels respected. You may have to sit down with him and ask him. Just as it is challenging and sometimes feels unnatural for men to effectively communicate love to their wives, it is equally challenging for wives to communicate respect to their husbands. You may need to spend some time building him up with encouraging words and the things you really appreciate about him. He needs to know you are on his side by your consistent and continued behavior and positive communication. You feel lack of love and he may feel lack of respect which is just as vital to him as love is to you.
The Scriptures repeat over and over in the New Testament for husbands to love their wives and for wives to respect their husbands. God understands our deepest needs and longings, because He created us. This is not to say the problem is entirely yours, because God has given instruction to your husband to resolve this problem as well, however, this is something you can begin to work on to bring resolution as far as is possible with you. In other words, your husband may be a jerk sometimes (and you have my sympathy) but you can still have a great impact on how these things get resolved by really searching out what respect means to your husband, and trying to obey this biblical principal with all of your heart for the Lord’s glory and honor.
Q.When my husband comes home and is tired after work, I have been home with little ones all day. He doesn't want to talk, and that's all I want to do is talk with him and share my thoughts and feelings and my day. It hurts me and then he wants intimacy and I don't want it at all. I feel so emotionally cut off from him and so it's hard to have physical intimacy and feel connected. What do I do?
A.This is a very common issue in marriage. It is important to remember that men and women are sexually and emotionally wired completely differently. This is not an excuse for a man to be insensitive to his wife, but most men feel sex is a great way to connect with their wife, (and may be very ready to talk afterwards) and most wives feel they need to be connected verbally and emotionally to their husbands before even considering sex. Do you see the dilemma? Some one (hopefully both) need to love sacrificially. It is important to express our needs to one another, and also take pro active practical steps.
I believe that if men could remember that women need time to talk they would have more sex with their wife. One thing that might be helpful is to make plans together for date nights even if you are not leaving the house. This way both of you can plan on spending time together and purposefully and mentally anticipate what the date will bring. To do this, most of us have to make lots of arrangements, getting kids to bed and so on. It is so easy to get caught in a rut in marriage, but we have to be strategic and get that quality time on the calendar. This may not sound very romantic or spontaneous, but the principal of sewing and reaping applies. Work hard to plan and create atmosphere for intimacy instead of just expecting it to happen. Some times our expectations about these things can be very unrealistic and we become disappointed and distant with our spouse.
Q.My husband wants to love on me and touch me and put his hands down my pants and kiss me passionately, and we have younger children. The oldest is 9. My husband is kind of a fun, crazy kind of guy. I feel embarrassed to do this in front of the children, but he takes offense if I say no or kind of put him off and say "later let's do this." He thinks I don't love him. What should I do?
A.I believe it is completely appropriate for you to discuss this with him in private and explain why you feel the way you do. While it is very healthy and beneficial for your children to see their parent’s affection for each other, you should be able to discuss boundaries which you both agree on and are comfortable with, when it comes to being affection with one another. Your communication with him should help him understand these boundaries are not because you do not love him, but you have discomfort with certain displays of affection and hopefully understanding will be fostered. It seems unusual that your discomfort with certain displays of affection would cause your husband to come to such a drastic conclusion. Perhaps there is more than this driving his conclusion. It may be time to sit down and have a good long talk speaking the truth in love.
Q.My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years. We have three married daughters and our son is in high school. I'd say we're at the beginning stages of "empty nesters". Thank goodness for grandchildren; younger friends and younger children! My husband and I love and enjoy each other's company; however, my kind of fun and his kind of fun doesn't necessarily match up on the same evening…
Q.What can we do to add some spice to our romance? (I'm not necessarily wanting a response about intimacy sexually or foreplay my any means.) What romantic activity or outing ("date-night") can we do or go that may possibly move towards being intimate? Our romance seems to be on "same song - replay". Thank you.
A.You just about answered your own question in your explanation of the problem. Your "kind of fun" doesn't match. You really should try to strive to get into each other's worlds as much as possible. I realize that there are some areas that wont be a realistic fit. But whenever possible couples should grow together in their hobbies and past times so as not to grow apart. Another thing to keep in mind is that "date night" is defined differently for different people. Find out what he considers a "fun" date night and let him know your definition of a "fun" date night. Give each other ideas and suggestions. Do your best to enter his world. And then be happy and appreciative of his efforts to enter yours.
Q.Rebuilding trust. How do you do it biblically?
A.The biblical side of trust is that it is a decisive act of love. According to God's word, "Love" …"bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7, NKJV. When you truly love someone you chose to make yourself vulnerable to that person. Even to the point of trusting them when that person might possibly violate that trust and hurt you deeply. One of the key components of true love is a willingness to be hurt by the person you love and yet, still love them. For example, God knows that He can't fully trust any of us. Yet He trusts humans with the great responsibility of the oversight of the responsibilities of our family, church government and the proclamation of the Gospel itself. In doing this He is certainly setting Himself up to be disappointed and hurt by us. But He does it anyway. Because God is love.
Q.How do you set aside issues outside of the moment and let romance flow?
A.Simply answered, you don't. The essence of romance is setting a pleasant climate in your marriage emotionally, verbally, spiritually and physically. Romance cannot happen outside of a "safe place". Your question may reflect the view that "romance" is the sex part of marriage. It is not. Romance is the setting of the scene and warm feelings between you and your husband. Sex is the whip cream on top.
Q.I would like to discuss how it seems the majority of the time that the "Romance" in a marriage always falls on the shoulders of the husband. I love to pursue my wife, to romance her, to provide adventure for her... but sometimes it would be nice if she would do the same for me. I am not complaining, I just want to discuss if this is the way God designed it, and what others feel.
A.God bless you for your endeavors to fulfill your responsibility as a husband to love and romance your wife. I would like to give you a two-fold answer to your question.
1.) The spiritual role of a husband – As Christ gives us and example described in Eph 5:25-28, the job description of a husband is to "initiate" love. In general women are "responders" and men are "initiators". The scriptures declare that we love God because He first loved us (1John 4:19). As imitators of Christ, a husband's role is always to love and initiate love.
2.) The carnal nature of men - It is in fact against the carnal nature of man to put others first and be the "giver" required to generate the scene and feelings of romance. For the most part, a man's view of romance is sex. And since it is quite unnatural for man to "be romantic" in a truly selfless, consistent manner, men have to be continually reminded to love their wives (Hosea 3:1; Eph 5:28,33) in the proper way.
Q.My husband thinks being romantic means you're a wimp. How do you convince him that's not the way it is?
A.Your husband's definition of romantic is incorrect. Ask him what his definition of "romance" is. Then give him yours. Jesus' treatment of the church is the example given in the New Testament for what biblical love and romance is. Read to him Eph 5:25-33 & Col 3:19-21 and ask him if that sounds wimpy. Then discuss with him how that can be translated into your relationship.
Q.What should you do if the husband has a lower sex drive than the wife (which is unusual)? What do you do if your husband has not shown an interest in even trying to be romantic for years?
A.Regardless if your husband's sex drive is high or low he is responsible before God to love you as Christ loves the church. This includes meeting your sexual and romantic needs. Just as many good and godly wives choose to find ways to meet the sexual needs of their husbands whose sex drive may be greater than theirs, so a good and godly husband should seek to find ways to fulfill the sexual and romantic needs of his wife. The scriptures even warn us that depriving each other from sex can open up the door for great temptation from the devil. See 1Cor 7:2-5.
Maybe there is a medical answer to his low sex drive? Have you discussed your desires with him and the effects of this lack of intimacy in your marriage?
Q.What do I do when I try to communicate with my husband but he gets angry? I try to share in a loving way with him something that has hurt me or something that is hard for me....but he gets so upset and takes it personally, no matter how lovingly I try to share these truths. So...I don't share and I keep it in and then just feel resentment building. This really affects my ability to have intimacy with him. I feel misunderstood and shut off and a lack of love.
A.It is crucial that a husband and wife have open and honest communication for a fulfilling and intimate relationship. It can be very frustrating and lonely when you feel misunderstood, so it’s important to be aware of what has taken place in your relationship when trying to discuss sensitive issues. For example, if your husband does not feel that you respect him, everything you try to communicate might be filtered through the fact that he feels disrespected by you. So when you bring up the thing that has hurt you or that has offended you, he may see it as just another thing in the long list where he does not measure up and feels hopeless and frustrated. This does not justify any outburst of wrath he may exhibit, but may give you some insight to the context of why he is taking it so personally.
I would first encourage you to take these hurts and offences to the Lord and receive grace to absorb them, and ask Him for insight and discernment in communicating to your husband. It may be important to educate yourself on what it really means to respect your husband and how he receives or feels respected. You may have to sit down with him and ask him. Just as it is challenging and sometimes feels unnatural for men to effectively communicate love to their wives, it is equally challenging for wives to communicate respect to their husbands. You may need to spend some time building him up with encouraging words and the things you really appreciate about him. He needs to know you are on his side by your consistent and continued behavior and positive communication. You feel lack of love and he may feel lack of respect which is just as vital to him as love is to you.
The Scriptures repeat over and over in the New Testament for husbands to love their wives and for wives to respect their husbands. God understands our deepest needs and longings, because He created us. This is not to say the problem is entirely yours, because God has given instruction to your husband to resolve this problem as well, however, this is something you can begin to work on to bring resolution as far as is possible with you. In other words, your husband may be a jerk sometimes (and you have my sympathy) but you can still have a great impact on how these things get resolved by really searching out what respect means to your husband, and trying to obey this biblical principal with all of your heart for the Lord’s glory and honor.
Q.When my husband comes home and is tired after work, I have been home with little ones all day. He doesn't want to talk, and that's all I want to do is talk with him and share my thoughts and feelings and my day. It hurts me and then he wants intimacy and I don't want it at all. I feel so emotionally cut off from him and so it's hard to have physical intimacy and feel connected. What do I do?
A.This is a very common issue in marriage. It is important to remember that men and women are sexually and emotionally wired completely differently. This is not an excuse for a man to be insensitive to his wife, but most men feel sex is a great way to connect with their wife, (and may be very ready to talk afterwards) and most wives feel they need to be connected verbally and emotionally to their husbands before even considering sex. Do you see the dilemma? Some one (hopefully both) need to love sacrificially. It is important to express our needs to one another, and also take pro active practical steps.
I believe that if men could remember that women need time to talk they would have more sex with their wife. One thing that might be helpful is to make plans together for date nights even if you are not leaving the house. This way both of you can plan on spending time together and purposefully and mentally anticipate what the date will bring. To do this, most of us have to make lots of arrangements, getting kids to bed and so on. It is so easy to get caught in a rut in marriage, but we have to be strategic and get that quality time on the calendar. This may not sound very romantic or spontaneous, but the principal of sewing and reaping applies. Work hard to plan and create atmosphere for intimacy instead of just expecting it to happen. Some times our expectations about these things can be very unrealistic and we become disappointed and distant with our spouse.
Q.My husband wants to love on me and touch me and put his hands down my pants and kiss me passionately, and we have younger children. The oldest is 9. My husband is kind of a fun, crazy kind of guy. I feel embarrassed to do this in front of the children, but he takes offense if I say no or kind of put him off and say "later let's do this." He thinks I don't love him. What should I do?
A.I believe it is completely appropriate for you to discuss this with him in private and explain why you feel the way you do. While it is very healthy and beneficial for your children to see their parent’s affection for each other, you should be able to discuss boundaries which you both agree on and are comfortable with, when it comes to being affection with one another. Your communication with him should help him understand these boundaries are not because you do not love him, but you have discomfort with certain displays of affection and hopefully understanding will be fostered. It seems unusual that your discomfort with certain displays of affection would cause your husband to come to such a drastic conclusion. Perhaps there is more than this driving his conclusion. It may be time to sit down and have a good long talk speaking the truth in love.
Q.My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years. We have three married daughters and our son is in high school. I'd say we're at the beginning stages of "empty nesters". Thank goodness for grandchildren; younger friends and younger children! My husband and I love and enjoy each other's company; however, my kind of fun and his kind of fun doesn't necessarily match up on the same evening…
Q.What can we do to add some spice to our romance? (I'm not necessarily wanting a response about intimacy sexually or foreplay my any means.) What romantic activity or outing ("date-night") can we do or go that may possibly move towards being intimate? Our romance seems to be on "same song - replay". Thank you.
A.You just about answered your own question in your explanation of the problem. Your "kind of fun" doesn't match. You really should try to strive to get into each other's worlds as much as possible. I realize that there are some areas that wont be a realistic fit. But whenever possible couples should grow together in their hobbies and past times so as not to grow apart. Another thing to keep in mind is that "date night" is defined differently for different people. Find out what he considers a "fun" date night and let him know your definition of a "fun" date night. Give each other ideas and suggestions. Do your best to enter his world. And then be happy and appreciative of his efforts to enter yours.
Q.Rebuilding trust. How do you do it biblically?
A.The biblical side of trust is that it is a decisive act of love. According to God's word, "Love" …"bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7, NKJV. When you truly love someone you chose to make yourself vulnerable to that person. Even to the point of trusting them when that person might possibly violate that trust and hurt you deeply. One of the key components of true love is a willingness to be hurt by the person you love and yet, still love them. For example, God knows that He can't fully trust any of us. Yet He trusts humans with the great responsibility of the oversight of the responsibilities of our family, church government and the proclamation of the Gospel itself. In doing this He is certainly setting Himself up to be disappointed and hurt by us. But He does it anyway. Because God is love.
Q.How do you set aside issues outside of the moment and let romance flow?
A.Simply answered, you don't. The essence of romance is setting a pleasant climate in your marriage emotionally, verbally, spiritually and physically. Romance cannot happen outside of a "safe place". Your question may reflect the view that "romance" is the sex part of marriage. It is not. Romance is the setting of the scene and warm feelings between you and your husband. Sex is the whip cream on top.
Q.I would like to discuss how it seems the majority of the time that the "Romance" in a marriage always falls on the shoulders of the husband. I love to pursue my wife, to romance her, to provide adventure for her... but sometimes it would be nice if she would do the same for me. I am not complaining, I just want to discuss if this is the way God designed it, and what others feel.
A.God bless you for your endeavors to fulfill your responsibility as a husband to love and romance your wife. I would like to give you a two-fold answer to your question.
1.) The spiritual role of a husband – As Christ gives us and example described in Eph 5:25-28, the job description of a husband is to "initiate" love. In general women are "responders" and men are "initiators". The scriptures declare that we love God because He first loved us (1John 4:19). As imitators of Christ, a husband's role is always to love and initiate love.
2.) The carnal nature of men - It is in fact against the carnal nature of man to put others first and be the "giver" required to generate the scene and feelings of romance. For the most part, a man's view of romance is sex. And since it is quite unnatural for man to "be romantic" in a truly selfless, consistent manner, men have to be continually reminded to love their wives (Hosea 3:1; Eph 5:28,33) in the proper way.
Q.My husband thinks being romantic means you're a wimp. How do you convince him that's not the way it is?
A.Your husband's definition of romantic is incorrect. Ask him what his definition of "romance" is. Then give him yours. Jesus' treatment of the church is the example given in the New Testament for what biblical love and romance is. Read to him Eph 5:25-33 & Col 3:19-21 and ask him if that sounds wimpy. Then discuss with him how that can be translated into your relationship.
Q.What should you do if the husband has a lower sex drive than the wife (which is unusual)? What do you do if your husband has not shown an interest in even trying to be romantic for years?
A.Regardless if your husband's sex drive is high or low he is responsible before God to love you as Christ loves the church. This includes meeting your sexual and romantic needs. Just as many good and godly wives choose to find ways to meet the sexual needs of their husbands whose sex drive may be greater than theirs, so a good and godly husband should seek to find ways to fulfill the sexual and romantic needs of his wife. The scriptures even warn us that depriving each other from sex can open up the door for great temptation from the devil. See 1Cor 7:2-5.
Maybe there is a medical answer to his low sex drive? Have you discussed your desires with him and the effects of this lack of intimacy in your marriage?