Choosing a Mate

I. The most important decision you could possibly make in life is whether or not you will choose to receive Christ as Lord of your life. This will determine if you experience eternal life today and in eternity. But, the second most important decision in life is whom you will marry. This is a critical decision that will greatly determine not only your future happiness, but also the degree to which you are able to serve the Lord. What does the Bible declare important considerations to be?

II. First, you may choose whomever you wish, as long as he or she is a Christian (1 Corinthians 7:39). There are no exceptions to this command. From the following principles you will see why God has made a fundamental requirement for His children.

III. The next important question is, what kind of Christian is the person you desire to marry?

A. Is this person truly committed to loving and obeying the Lord? This is important because every marital problem you will encounter in your relationship will always result from a spiritual problem. If this person is truly committed to Christ, he or she will solve these problems in a biblical way. Therefore, how has he or she demonstrated this commitment? Do you see a love for God demonstrated in his or her life? Does this individual have a daily devotional life? Does this person share lessons learned from Scripture with you? Does he or she have a prayer life, and has there ever been a time when this person has suggested prayer with you? Have you seen him or her serving others since you have been together? Does this person serve with a motivation of love or only because of obligations? Does this person seek the kingdom of God more than anything else (Galatians 5:22, Matthew 16:24, Acts 2:42, Galatians 5:13, Matthew 6:33)?

B. Do you have compatibility in spiritual things? Do you agree on the major doctrines of Scripture? Do you agree on the church you will attend? Do you agree on how you give of your time and money? Without agreement over these issues now, there will be great conflict over these issues in the future (Amos 3:3).

C. Can you trust this person? Has this individual given you any reason not to trust what he or she has said or done in any aspect of your relationship? Trust is the foundation of any lasting relationship (Proverbs 31:11, 1 Corinthians 7:25).

D. How does he or she handle adversity? Does this person trust God, or fall into unbelief regularly? Have you ever seen him or her angry? Have you seen this individual angry with you? Did you resolve this conflict in a biblical way? Was forgiveness asked for and granted, or was the issue just forgotten after a while? The ability to reconcile conflicts in a biblical way is essential for a marriage to last (Proverbs 3:5, Mark 11:25-26, Luke 17:1-4, Psalm 37:8, Proverbs 16:32, Proverbs 19:11).

E. Does he have a way to provide for you? Is he or she a responsible person with money? Money can be a great source of conflict in a marriage, so look for responsible action and decision-making on this issue now (1 Timothy 6:10, Luke 16:14; Matthew 25:27; 2 Timothy 3:2).

F. Is he or she a good example? In the future if you have children, would your mate be a good example to them? If she or she is not a good example now, it will be a constant battle later (1 Timothy 4:12).

G. What issues do you agree and disagree on? Make a list of both to permit an honest appraisal of your compatibility.

H. Does this person have control of his or her sexual drives? Have you ever seen him or her compromise obedience toward God and His Word? Is there pressure on you for sex? If he or she is not obedient and self-controlled in this area now, how will you be able to trust this person after you get married? (! Thessalonians 4:1-8; 1 Corinthians 6:18; 1 Thessalonians 5:22)

I. Does your prospective mate respect you and your opinions? Does he or she listen to you and receive your ideas and/or correction, or are you not even consulted over decisions? Respect and willingness to talk over issues is essential for a good marriage. You should both be able to compromise and find agreement over difficult problems (Matthew 5:25).

J. Is there mutual submission between the two of you? Can each of you give and receive ideas, advice, or correction from one another? Is he or she truly open to your input? If not, you should not expect that after you get married things will be any different (Ephesians 5:21; James 1:19; Proverbs 17:27; Romans 12:10).

K. Have you resolved the conflicts that have come up between you? The willingness and ability to resolve conflicts is essential for a lasting marriage. We are all very different from one another and should expect to find variance in our ideas and feelings. If you have never had a difference of opinion, this reveals that you don't know each other as well as you think, and one or both of you are not fully expressing your personal views. The only way you will know if your prospective spouse will be accepting of these differences is for you to express them. This is another area where open communication will reveal the strength or weakness of your relationship. If there is a conflict, will you be able to lovingly resolve it? (Matthew 5:23-24, 18:15; Galatians 6:1-2)

IV. How does your prospective mate treat other people? The way this individual treats others is ultimately the way he or she will treat you, so look very closely at these actions (Ephesians 4:25).

V. Have you dated this person long enough to get an idea of what he or she struggles with in daily life? If you can't identify at least some issues, you probably don't know this person as well as you think. Everyone has faults; some more, some less. Ask this person what issues cause the greatest struggles in life and how he or she is dealing with these issues. Can you live with these faults or differences, knowing that people change very slowly? Can you live with the areas your prospective mate is not dealing with very well? Be very realistic, you should accept the fact that "what you see is what you get" (Deuteronomy 1:12).

VI. Is this person a giving individual? Being able to give sacrificially is the best proof of true love. If the person you want to marry is interested in you giving the majority of the time, this will not be a happy marriage (Romans 12:10; Luke 6:38)

VII. Each of the above issues requires effective communication. Without this occurring, you will never have the relationship you desire in marriage. Communication is the lifeblood of a marriage because it enables a relationship to be nourished and survive the struggles that two people encounter (Proverbs 18:21; Ephesians 4:29, 4:31)

VIII. Is your prospective mate your best friend? If marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and His church, then friendship is essential. Jesus said to His disciples, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13). A friend, according to Jesus, is one for whom He would sacrificially lay down His life and one to whom He would lovingly communicate His heart. Will you be marrying your best friend and a person with whom to share your heart? If so, your marriage will be all that you expect it to be (Song of Solomon 5:16).

IX. Now take these same questions and apply them to yourself. Your answers will determine where you might consider making changes in your own life before making a lifetime commitment.